Everyone Needs to Chillax; The Kids are Alright

Let me tell you about my last night in my own apartment in China.

I was packing up boxes and suitcases, getting ready to move in with some friends for the last two weeks of my time in China. My son had gone to sleep, and it was about 12:30 at night. About that time a friend texted or called me (I'm not sure which) and asked if I wanted to go out for shaokao (Chinese BBQ). It was going to be one of if not the last opportunity for us.

What was I to do? I surely couldn't wake my son up. Yet I didn't want to pass up this opportunity. I did what any reasonable father would do: I made sure my son's door was locked, and I went out for shaokao on the streets 18 floors below my apartment.

Now, before you go calling DHS on me, let me take you through my thought process:

• I had lived in the house for several years, and never once has there been a fire. That is, there had been at least 1000 days and no fire.
• In my entire adult life (including several sketchy Chinese dwellings, one with exposed wiring) the only fire I'd ever experienced was a grease fire I myself caused. 
• My apartment had a safety door that makes an American single deadbolt look like a Chinese finger trap game in comparison. No potential kidnappers or worse were getting through that door.
• My son's bedroom windows had bars on them, so although we lived on the 18th floor, it was not possible for him to climb up and fall out of the windows.
• My son had never had any kind of serious problem while sleeping. While sleeping, he had always simply slept.

In all respects, statistically speaking, there was absolutely no harm in leaving him safely locked in his room for one hour while I went just outside to enjoy a meal with a friend.

Could I ever do that in the US? A local friend of mine (a native Arkansan) grew up in France. He said it's common for parents to go out for a nightcap after children have gone to bed. Others have told me similar stories of other countries. In many (possibly most) parts of the world, this kind of life is normal. It's not seen his negligence. Its not seen as uncaring or irresponsible. It's simply life in the knowledge that the occasional accident is probably not going to happen. Not that it won't, mind you, but that the likelihood is statistically insignificant.

It seems that many in the US people would think of me as a terrible or irresponsible parent. If I did the same in the US (and people knew about it), I'd be risking a visit from child welfare authorities. Somehow here in the US however we've lost all sensibility. Somehow honest recognition of risk has turned into outright paranoia. Somehow awareness of potential danger has caused our society to react with overbearing policing to the peril of reasonable parenting.

Everyone just needs to chillax. The kids are alright.

*A previous version of this post somehow de-published itself and reverted to an old draft. This post is a rewritten version, and it is unfortunately not as good as the first, in my opinion. I apologize.

A child's transitions to a new country

As difficult as it has been for me to transition from life in China to life in the US, I suspect it’s been more difficult for my eldest son. The younger son isn’t old enough to remember China. He’s only 8 months old and has been here for most of that time. My eldest, however, remembers.

He remembers relatives.
He remembers friends,
He remembers foods.
He remembers activities.
He he knows things are different, even in what he doesn’t remember.

Would you spend your Thanksgiving at a Chinese light exhibition? We did.

People say kids adapt quickly. People say kids are resilient. I’m sure they are. But I don’t wake up inconsolable in the middle of the night (four of the past five nights, twice last night). I don’t wake up from naps frantically looking for mama. He does. Neither of these things happened in China.

I suspect he still feels out of place. He still observes groups of kids more than plays with them, which was not true of his China social life.

I suspect the month away from mama last year has affected his sense of security.

I wish he could tell me what’s going on. He’s made new friends, but I wish he had the language and cognitive ability to explain his feelings. He understands cars and car seats, but I wish he could explain his need to held for hours after a nap. He loves story time at the library, but I wish he could explain what’s happening when he starts wailing at midnight.

In all of this, my wife and I are just guessing at how to parent well. What does he need? More firmness? More gentleness? Do we need to indulge his need to be held at the loss of hours in a day? Does he need be held and spoken to calmly at night or would it be better to firmly tell him to go to bed? (We’ve had marginal success with both.) I hope we don't screw him up too much. I really hope we don't screw him up too much.

Fatherhood and "danger" in the US

Standing on the edge having just climbed the retaining wall

In China I somewhat prided myself in the fact that we let our son do things that many Chinese parents and grandparents simply would not let their kids do. I liked that my son did "dangerous" things like jumping off ledges twice as tall as himself, climbing ladders a month after he started walking, putting sand on his head, running on the grass. (Yes, I've actually heard Chinese grandparents tell their grandchildren not to run while on grass because it's dangerous.)

Now in the US I find myself nervous. I know CPS employees and hear their stories. I hear other parents comment about what kids can and can't do. I feel like I'm on a fence, trying not to fall off into the "irresponsible parent" side.

Here are some questions I've found myself asking, some to myself and some out loud, some more ridiculous than others:

• If I get a tricycle for my son, will he need a bike helmet?
• Is it okay that I let him run around the backyard shoeless, knowing that there are occasional sand burrs in the grass?
• Can I just let him play in the mud in the mostly dry creek bed?
• People won't think we're neglecting him because his hair is long, will they?
• It's okay to let him climb up the retaining wall, right?
• Should I tell him not to walk on top of the retaining wall?
• Will I get blamed if he gets bit by a snake or a black widow?

I know why I'm nervous. It seems all Chinese have heard the story (it may have been a movie) of a Chinese parent losing custody of their children in the US after giving the child a cupping treatment. Cupping is thought to prevent certain illnesses, and the process leads to large bruises. In the US, this was considered abuse. I've been asked by many Chinese, "Is this true? Would police really take away children for this?"

I don't know if CPS would take children away for cupping or not. If so, it really reveals a lack of cultural knowledge and a hypersensitive idea of what constitutes a danger to a child's wellbeing.

But could they? It has me worried. How crazy is it in the US now?

The scary thing is that I don't know. The funny thing is also that I don't know.